Long Way From Home - Chapter 27

As the final whistle blew, Spike's friends stood and gathered up their belongings. Buffy looked up at Spike with an expression that said 'do I have to go?' and he just shook his head in the negative.

Buffy stood and wrapped Oz in a hug; smiling into his eyes, she caught a look from him that was questioning.

"She lands at 8:15, I think if you asked her she'd be available tomorrow afternoon for a coffee." Buffy raised her eyebrows at him and wiggled them mischievously.

Oz smiled warmly at her and touched her arm softly. "Thanks."

"Anytime, sad Willow makes for sad Buffy." She gave a furtive look towards Spike.

"In our best interests to keep both of you happy then. Oz, I demand you make her happy Willow again." Spike smiled at his friend then turned to Buffy with a gentle look in his eyes. "Gather your stuff kitten, let's go get Red."

Buffy exchanged farewells with Gary and then Mike, he smiled as he told her he imagined he'd be seeing a lot of her at the museum. It caused Buffy to blush and she made her excuses as she headed to her room.

Packing all her stuff back into her bag she took a look around both her room and Spikes, she heaved a sad sigh as she stood in his room. Although she'd only spent one night sleeping next to him she knew that come tonight she was going to miss him badly. It made her heart heavy that she couldn't stay; Buffy reasoned with herself that it would be a bad idea to spend another night with him when she wasn't truly available, yet.

Chewing on her lip she mulled over how she was going to tell Angel, they had known each other since he joined her fathers company five years ago and had been going out for just over a year. He was meant to be coming down in a few weeks for her birthday, she owed it to herself to be strong and tell him.

Buffy sat on the edge of Spikes bed, listening to the sounds of people leaving. Cradling her head in her hands, she felt like she was drowning, she'd never had to deal with this before. All her past boyfriends had been more like passing fancies, no real emotions involved. Now she held in her balance the feelings of two men she really cared about, but only one of them was going to make it through this with her. She secretly feared that she would end up with neither of them.

As she thought it over it became clear to her that the person she was most scared of hurting, most scared of losing, was Spike. Angel would be hurting, but wouldn't let it show in the same way Spike would, he would be collected about it, and he would cope. If she hurt Spike she knew it would be the opposite, angry words and a temper like a volcano, threatening to consume her.

But Buffy couldn't get past the fact that Angel would be hurt, he wouldn't show it, he would keep it inside but he would be suffering and it cut her like a knife. Choking back tears, Buffy felt shaky as a small voice in her said that she won't do it, she will falter at the first hurdle and everyone would end up miserable because she couldn't be strong.

Spike leant in the doorway and watched Buffy, she was struggling against an invisible force and to him it looked like she was losing. Remembering his promise that he wouldn't interfere, Spike stuck to it, until she sobbed into her hands.

He was kneeling before her in a flash, cradling her closed up form in his arms and smoothing her hair in an attempt to calm her. Spike felt like he'd just been stabbed through his heart when she looked up at him, tears staining her pale cheeks.

"Kitten, don't cry." Spike wiped the tears from her face with his fingers.

"I can't do this, I'm not strong enough." Buffy was trembling but as his eyes met hers his gentle look melted her.

"You can, I know you're strong. People have led you around by the hand all your life, time to stand on your own two feet Buffy, stand tall and strong like the woman I know you are inside. You're amazing kitten, full of fire and grace, passion and love burn in you. Draw strength from them, be the girl I know you can be if you break free and decide what you want for a change." Spike watched her lower lip trembling at him; he cupped her cheek in his hand and stroked it delicately.

"I can do this, you're right. I've spent my whole life being the perfect daughter, making sure everyone else is happy. It's my turn, I have to be me and not the little miss perfect everyone expects me to be." Buffy smiled at him, she was thankful that his speech had been impartial and purely about her, she'd been expecting something about Angel and him.

Spike felt relieved when she smiled at him, he wasn't one for making great speeches and was glad it seemed to have cheered her up a little. He believed that she was a strong person underneath that exterior; she'd just locked it away inside because of years of being led like a lamb.

"Take a moment. I'll get the car… you'll be okay though right?" He looked up at her with concern and it was her turn to be the comforter.

"Honestly? I think I'm going to be just fine. Might be miserable for a week but…" She sighed and ran the backs of her fingers down his cheek. "That's why you're here and that's why I need Willow, my two comfortadors."

Spike sighed and kissed her forehead. Turning back to face her as he reached the door, he felt warm inside when she managed a true Buffy smile. This coming week was going to hell on them both; he was already spending most of his waking hours thinking about the fifty-fifty chance that she would choose to stay with Angel.

Shutting the front door behind him, Spike walked out of the building and up the street to the garages. Buffy had moved to stand in the window and watched him go, things were going to get complicated and she knew it.

As she turned to head back into the room a person in the street caught her attention, her stomach twisted into a knot and she felt validated. Things were already getting complicated. The person looked up at her in the window and Buffy tried not to let her panic show, if the psycho bitch wanted to come up and fight she wasn't going to stop her.

Darting to the kitchen Buffy pulled out every drawer in search of the knife, on discovering it she hurriedly tidied up the mess and then walked calmly into the living room. Settling herself casually on the sofa Buffy held the handle of the knife so the blade was lying flush against her under arm.

A knock at door gave Buffy enough time to steel herself.

"Come in." She used her sweetest tone and didn't bother to look up as the door swung open.

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