Soul Purpose - Chapter 1

Tapping her foot impatiently, Buffy watched the little numbers lighting up in sequence, the lift slowly carrying her higher and higher up the Los Angeles headquarters of Wolfram and Hart.

Closing her eyes, she felt the nerves churning her stomach and she was reminded of how scared she’d felt in that moment.

She could see it playing out in front of her eyes as though she was living it all over again.

That last moment.

The moment her world had stopped spinning.

She raised her eyes to see him standing in a shaft of light, the warm glow surrounding him in a way that didn’t seem natural to her eyes since she was so accustomed to seeing him in the darkness. Her heart instantly leaped into her mouth as she realised what was happening and that for all the powers she had, she was powerless to stop this.

Running to his side, Buffy felt her head swimming, her insides swirling as she tried to make sense of what was happening. She wanted to scream, to cry, to drag him out of there, but she could see in his eyes as he told her to leave that he wouldn’t listen to her.

Coldness engulfed her as she looked at his face and then down at his outstretched hand.

Reaching out to him, she slowly slipped her fingers into his, holding his hand tightly as she raised her eyes to meet his again.

She wanted to stay.

God, did she want to stay.

But she saw in the depths of his eyes that he wasn’t going to let her, he wouldn’t let her die with him even when she really wanted to. She knew the world would be fine without her, but she wouldn’t be fine without Spike. Nothing seemed to make sense beyond that thought; her mind felt numb with shock over the fact she was losing him.

Just when she’d found him.

She didn’t feel anything as their joined hands burst into flame, didn’t feel anything other than a vast emptiness that was threatening to consume her as she kept her eyes locked with his. Tears welled up and she was powerless to stop them, didn’t want to stop them. She wanted him to see how she felt, wanted him to see that she loved him just like she’d said she did, wanted him to know she was proud.

She was so proud.

The hot tears spilt onto her cheeks as she thought about what he was doing and everything he’d achieved, how he’d strived to become a better man and now he was on the brink of leaving this world, just so it would be a better place for her.

She held his gaze as he looked incredulous at first and then his eyes softened, showing her that he could see what she was trying to tell him, could see that she wanted to stay and that she couldn’t be without him.

As the floor jolted under her feet, her lower lip trembled and she realised that this was it, this was the last time she would look into those beautiful eyes, the last time she would see all the love they held for her, the last time she would look on his face.

The last time she’d hear his voice.

The last time she’d feel his touch.

She didn’t bother trying to stop the tears as they rolled down her cheeks in quick succession, cutting through the dirt as they coursed toward her chin.

She felt so afraid.

She’d never felt this afraid in her whole life.

He was leaving her and there was nothing she could do to stop him, nothing she could say that would make him change his mind, nothing that would let her stay with him to the end.

To the very end.

He was leaving and she needed him so badly, couldn’t live without him. The world was bleak and cold, empty without him beside her. Yet, he was saving it for her.

All for her.

And she had to be brave and be thankful to him for that.

She squeezed his hand tighter as he tried to tell her to leave. She couldn’t hear the rumbles around them, the ceiling of the cave falling in as the amulet continued to do its work. She was only able to see Spike; her eyes locked with his, her heart unwilling to let him go.

“I love you.” Her eyes were wide as the tears continued to stream down her face. She wanted to hear the words one last time, spoken softly by him, wanted to be able to remember them in the years to come.

“No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it anyway.” Spike’s reply was automatic, but something in his eyes told her different, told her that he really believed her and that her saying it meant something to him. “Now, go.”

Buffy shook her head, not wanting to let him go.

“Go.” Spike breathed and let go of her hand.

She stared at her empty hand for a moment and then up at his face, desperately trying to put to memory how he looked even though she knew she would never be able to forget him, there would never be anyone like him in her life again.

He was one in a million.

He was the one.

Turning, she cast one last glance at him and then ran up the stone steps and out into the daylight, racing to catch the bus as it drove away from the collapsing Hellmouth.

And as she looked back on the crater that had once been Sunnydale, her friends and family close around her, she had smiled the best smile she could muster.

Because somewhere he could see her.

Somewhere.

And deep inside her he’d always be there with her, through everything, he’d be right beside her even when she couldn’t see him, forever.


The sound of doors opening brought Buffy out of her thoughts and she hastily dashed away the tears that were filling her eyes, not wanting to look as though she’d been crying when she entered Wolfram and Hart. She had to look strong, even if she was falling apart on the inside. She had to keep up the persona of the Slayer, even when she was nothing more than a scared little girl.

She moved nearer the back of the lift as people filed into it. Someone held the doors as the few demons that had been awaiting its arrival looked at her hesitantly, unwilling to share the ride with the Slayer. As they signalled that they would wait for the next lift, Buffy fell apart all over again inside, her nerves eating away at her and trying to plant seeds of doubt in her head.

She shut out the voices of the people around her and the voice at the back of her mind as she concentrated on the feeling of the lift taking her higher and higher up the building. Fixing her eyes on the numbers above the door again, she held her breath as she saw them nearing the floor she was looking for.

She let go of her breath in a sigh and subconsciously smoothed her shirt down as the lift pinged and the door eased open, giving her a first glimpse of the place where Spike had passed each day for the past few months without her knowing of his existence.

Stepping out of the lift behind all the other people, she strode confidently past the mingling demons that littered the lobby, her eyes never leaving her final destination as all heads turned to follow her. Her stomach squirmed with all their signatures, her head aching as she tried to maintain the cool façade she had adopted.

Reaching the reception desk, she turned to face Harmony and didn’t let her surprise over seeing her there show. She quickly masked the jealous snake that had invaded her mind and told her that all this time Harmony had been able to see Spike and she hadn’t, he hadn’t told her, not even Angel had told her.

Buffy smiled as she noted how Harmony was doing her best to look indifferent--it seemed everyone was trying to hide their real feelings today.

“Where is he?” Buffy ground out, jealousy and anxiousness mixing inside her and confusing her.

“Where’s who?” Harmony shuffled her papers and kept her eyes downcast as she attempted to avoid the steely gaze of the Slayer. She knew why she was here, but couldn’t bring herself to surrender him even when it was clear that Spike’s feelings for herself, whatever they had been, had long since died.

The chaos of Buffy’s emotions cracked open the fault line in her patience and she could practically hear it snap. She wanted to see him, had lasted months with only the image of him she held in her mind for company, had mourned him all those long days and nights, and now she needed to see him, right now.

Right that second.

As though waiting any longer would somehow be the death of her.

“You know who, Harmony. Where the bloody hell is he?” Buffy slammed her fist down hard on the reception desk, causing the wood to split under the force of the blow and making Harmony jump back a step.

All eyes watched her, a deadly hush descending as she kept her eyes fixed on Harmony.

Harmony swallowed hard.

She pointed up at the stairs with a shaky finger.

“Fine! Take him! I don’t care. He’s in the med lab with Fred.” She slumped into the chair and sniffled, her eyes welling up with tears as Buffy continued to stare at her.

“Thank you.” Buffy said quietly and turned on her heel, the groups of demons parting for her and allowing her a direct route to the stairs.

She could feel her body trembling with emotion as she walked, knew that all the demons around her would be able to sense something was off with her and, judging by the distance they were keeping, they thought she was volatile.

They wouldn’t be wrong.

Buffy took long deep breaths as she walked, struggling to maintain a grip on her feelings and desperately searching for some sense of calm. All through her journey to Los Angeles, she’d been going through the same patterns, thinking over just how she was supposed to feel about Spike’s announcement. She would start out calm, happy in the knowledge that he was back and he was as alive as he got. Then she would remember the last time she’d seen him, tears would spring into her eyes and she would find herself going through a rainbow of emotions from sadness to anger. She would wipe away the tears bitterly as she remembered the words he’d left her with, the dismissal of her love. A few minutes later, she would start all over again and it was beginning to really screw up how she was feeling. She felt as though she’d lost sight of how she was supposed to feel.

Now, she didn’t know whether she was supposed to be angry with him or happy that he was suddenly back. Was she supposed to let go of all the pain she’d gone through, all the suffering she’d endured when she’d lost him? Was she supposed to just be glad to see him? Was she supposed to be mad at him for leaving her?

He hadn’t told her much over the phone about how he happened to be back, he hadn’t needed to--the sound of his voice had been enough to have her on the next flight to LA and evil incorporated.

As she passed a meeting room, she felt the familiar pull of Angel through her muddled thoughts and feelings. Her stomach turned with his signature and she pushed it down, ignoring it as she continued to head towards the lab and quickly tried to get a grasp on her feelings.

She knew that when she saw him, when her eyes finally took in his beautiful face and finally met his clear blue eyes again, that she would know instantly how she was supposed to feel.

That all this hurt inside her would drift away, would subside, and the hole she’d felt in her heart would disappear.


Angel pulled the door to the lobby open and watched the slim blonde as she walked determinedly up the stairs. From the looks on the demons faces around him, his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him.

Only one girl inspired that much fear.

“Buffy?”

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