Soul Purpose - Chapter 5

Spike felt like a cold empty void had engulfed him as he cradled Buffy in his arms, her body resting half on his knees as he knelt beside her, people crowding around them. He struggled to gain control of his emotions as he stared down at the girl, his girl, who had been so full of life just a few hours ago, but now she was so cold and so still that it brought back painful memories of the night he’d lost her over two years ago. He buried his face in her neck and held her to him as he mouthed silent pleas at her, begging her not to give up.

Not to leave him.

Sniffing back the tears and confusion, he pulled away and smoothed the hair from her face quietly before gently wiping her mouth clean with the bottom of his t-shirt. He pressed a shaky kiss to her forehead and bit back his tears as he listened to her shallow breathing. It felt as though his world was slipping away with her, that all this was his fault for contacting her.

“Give her some sodding space!” Spike growled threateningly at the people gathered around him. They were suffocating him and Buffy--they were suffocating his girl. He instinctively slipped into his vampire guise to show them he was serious about protecting her. “Back away, before I fucking make you back away.”

His lower lip trembling, he ran his fingers over her clammy forehead, stroking it gently before letting them come to rest on her hands. They were freezing under his touch and he let a tear slip onto his cheek.

“Stay with me, love. Fight it, please…” Spike whispered in a hoarse voice as he pressed another kiss to her forehead and felt his restraint snap. He’d only left her for a few hours, a second, nothing more and now something was wrong, something he knew he couldn’t fix. Raising his head up, he looked at the people around him with cold, hard eyes. They were responsible for this. “What the fuck happened?”

Fred blinked and took a deep breath before crouching down beside him. She didn’t have an answer to his question but someone needed to try and help, and the others weren’t looking like making a move toward Spike. She tried to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he growled at her. When she saw Wesley move to step forward, she held her hand up and shook her head in the negative.

Lowering her head so she could see into Spike’s eyes as he continued to smooth Buffy’s hair and stare at her face, Fred murmured her words softly and hoped he’d be listening. “We have to get her to the medical area, Spike, please?”

He remained looking broken, his eyes fixed on Buffy. She could see he wasn’t breathing, he was just watching the girl in his arms as though any second now she would make a miraculous recovery.

Spike sighed down at Buffy, his once strong girl now looked so weak, so fragile and vulnerable. He could hear her heart beating slowly but steadily, could see the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, and it gave him the strength to move. He had to do as Fred asked, Fred would save her--she’d know what was wrong.

Placing one arm under Buffy’s legs and the other around her back, he gently scooped her up into his arms and stood slowly. He took a deep breath and held her tightly as he nodded at Fred, letting her know he was ready to do as she asked.

Following Fred down the hall to the medical ward, Spike kept his eyes fixed on Buffy, silently praying that she would be okay.


Buffy lay with her eyes closed at first, adjusting to the strange weakness that seemed to inhabit ever fibre of her being and trying to remember what had happened. She swallowed reflexively as she remembered the blood, trying to shift the mucus that seemed to clog her throat. Fluttering her eyes open slowly, she attempted to open her mouth but her dry lips were stuck together. Forcing them open, she drew a long deep breath that caused pain to echo through her body.

She blinked until her eyes finally focused and was thankful that the room around her was dimly lit as the even the brightness of that hurt her them. Slowly taking in her surroundings, she saw that the room was full of people, full of friends, but not her friends.

Wheezing slightly as she tried to breathe normally, she let her eyes work their way down to her hand. It was encompassed in one she recognised and she felt as though she was going to choke on the fear that gripped her as she looked at it. Steadying herself, she raised her eyes to meet his and let it hit home how bad her situation was.

She felt him squeeze her hand tenderly and watched him force a smile, and it only made it worse. In his eyes, he couldn’t hide anything from her. In his eyes, she saw it all.

He was petrified.

Buffy knew what it meant without even asking. In all the years she’d known him, she’d never once seen him scared. If he was scared now, then it was bad, the kind of bad she stood no chance of coming back from. She felt her heart clench in her chest as her emotions caught there, her eyes threatening to betray to him how frightened she was too.

Spike tried to smile at her again, tried not to let her see how much he was hurting, and how bad the situation was. He didn’t want to cause her panic, didn’t want her to be scared when the team still had nothing to go on and they didn’t know if she was going to die.

He knew, though.

He could feel it, feel her slipping away from him with every passing second, feel her leaving him. He knew Angel could feel it, too. Angel had gone into full research mode the second he’d seen Buffy lying unconscious in his arms. He was doing his best to save her.

Spike closed his eyes and sighed internally. Angel was breaking his balls to save her and what was he doing? He was sitting by her bed and holding her hand. He wanted to play the hero, too, but he couldn’t leave her.

He’d promised her.

His place was here with her, beside her.

“Hey, handsome, what’s got you so scared?” Buffy croaked as she found her voice and tried to smile shakily at him, hoping to alleviate some of his worry and hers at the same time.

He sniffed back the tears that had sprung into his eyes on hearing her frail voice and tried to smile in return as he looked at her.

“We’ll do good, Buffy, love, don’t you fret. Have you fixed in no time.” Spike let his thumb stroke her hand gently as he locked down his emotions.

“Spike…” Buffy could see the tears shining in his eyes and felt her own rapidly filling up as she struggled to come to terms with what was happening to herself. “Never leave me…I don’t want to be alone…”

Spike swallowed hard and held her hand a little tighter as he tried to find his voice again. She was so deathly pale, so weak as she tried to speak to him, her voice quiet and strained. He felt his emotions pushing at the invisible barriers that were holding them back and tried to be strong for her.

“You won’t be, love, promise you that. I’ll stay right here with you.” He looked over his shoulder at Fred, Wesley and Lorne. They nodded and left quietly. Turning back to face Buffy, he leaned forward and wiped a lone tear from her ashen cheek with the backs of his fingers. She felt so cold. “See, got the troops marching into action. Have you fixed in no time.”

Something in the way he was trying to be too much like his old brazen self made Buffy see that he was struggling to hold it together for her sake. She didn’t know whether she preferred it this way, or whether she wanted to see how he really felt, because then she’d really know how dire things were for her.

“You keep saying that…why do I need to be fixed?” Her voice was almost childlike and she let her bottom lip tremble as she saw his eyes were now swimming with tears.

Spike felt like the second they’d been left alone his control over his emotions had been rapidly dissipating and now he couldn’t stop them from overwhelming him as they broke through his restraint.

“We don’t know why, we’ll know more soon. Tests and things, lots of books…you hate books…I’ll find a way, Buffy. I won’t fail you…” He gripped her hand tightly and realised his hands were trembling as the tears in his eyes threatened to fall. “I won’t let you leave me, never letting you go…”

Buffy didn’t stop the hot tears as they slipped down her cheeks. The sight of Spike so upset was showing her how bad things really were and it was forcing her to realise that this was serious, whatever this was, and her suspicions were right--there was no coming back.

Reaching out to him, she gently stroked his cheek, trying to offer him as much comfort as she could in her weakened state. She smiled through her tears as he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, trying to seek comfort from her.

“I’m never leaving you, Spike.” Buffy whispered to him and furrowed her brows as his eyes met hers. “I love you too much to leave you.”

Spike smiled as he sniffed and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, trying to be strong again so he didn’t scare her anymore than she already was.

“Love you too, beautiful.”

She was silent for a moment as he moved his hand to rest against hers where it cupped his cheek. Buffy felt him kiss the palm of her hand and it cut her like a knife, her fear welling up in her again.

“I know what’s happening. I can feel it. Something, inside me, it’s trying to take over…it’s killing me.” She let a tear fall onto her cheek and the rest started to follow as she finally lost control.

“No, love…shhh…don’t say that. You’ll be fine, we’ll fix you up good and proper and then it will be fine…” Spike caught the tear with the back of his finger and scooped it up. He wasn’t sure whether he was trying to convince her or himself when he’d said those things, but he couldn’t let her give up hope. He couldn’t give up hope. It was too soon. “Don’t cry, baby…please, don’t cry.”

“I don’t wanna die…” Buffy furrowed her brows as she felt the tears force their way out of her. She began to sob in earnest as Spike moved to sit beside her and held her tightly in his arms.

“Not gonna die, baby. I told you, I’m never letting you go.” He threaded his fingers into the back of her hair and held her gently to him, rocking her slightly as he tried to comfort and reassure her.

Buffy felt his strong arms cradling her and relaxed into him as a moment of calm washed through her chaotic emotions. Somewhere deep down inside, she knew that when he said that, he meant it.

He’d never let her die.

Not again.

He’d find a way to save her this time.

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