Crush

Buffy, Spike’s completely in love with you.

Her sister’s words echoed around her head, in fact they’d been going around her head for almost twenty-four hours now and they were beginning to cause a class one headache.

Buffy was unable to dismiss them like she’d wanted to. The honest look her sister had been wearing when she’d announced Spike’s affections for her had made them hit home.

And they had hit home hard.

So hard that she still couldn’t shake them, or the images that accompanied them. It was Spike; dressed in khaki coloured pants and what looked like an army issue sweater that reminded her of the time he’d helped them out with the Initiative last year. It was the way he’d hopped down from the sarcophagus when she’d entered, the nervous look in his eyes as he stepped towards her and told her that he had been about to send Dawn home--he’d known she’d be ‘fretting’.

It was how insecure he’d looked when finishing his story, how vulnerable he’d seemed when he’d addressed her.

Vulnerable, insecure, sensitive, all words she’d never thought she’d use when thinking about Spike.

She resisted her desire to sigh over how muddled her emotions had become since last night and focused on the task at hand.

She was in an alley.

In a car.

His car.

And he was sitting next to her.

“Hey!” Buffy pressed herself against the seat as Spike reached across her, her heart beat accelerated and she couldn’t help feeling foolish as Spike pulled a small flask out of the glove compartment.

Trying to compose herself again, she kept her eyes facing forward as Spike swigged from the flask. She couldn’t believe she was sitting here with him when she really should have been at home trying to get a grasp on her emotions. Being around Spike right now was only going to make things worse.

Maybe she wanted that, wanted things to get so bad that she finally gave in to her feelings.

Buffy dismissed that thought immediately and realised that Spike was offering her the flask.

“Eww.” She scrunched her nose up, more at her thoughts of wanting to be with Spike than at the offending article, and looked Spike in the eye for the first time since getting in his car.

“It’s not blood, it’s bourbon.” Spike replied as he held her gaze.

“Eww.” Buffy said more emphatically. It was more for show than anything; she’d give her left arm for a stiff drink right now.

“Suit yourself.” Spike shook his head and smiled as he placed the flask back into the glove compartment.

Buffy struggled to keep her eyes on the alley as Spike began to tap his fingers against the steering wheel, a tune playing on his lips. As he broke into one line of a song, she couldn’t stop herself from looking over at him.

Spike looked at her, curiosity creasing his brow. “Do you like the Ramones?”

She gave him a look that clearly said she didn’t and then filed away a mental note to buy some Ramones next time she was in town.

“So if you’re not doing this for the money, why are y…?”

“Shh!” Spike cut her off as he looked pensively up the alley.

They watched in silence as two vampires moved across the scene in front of them, talking to each other as they opened the door to the warehouse and disappeared inside.

Stepping out of the car, she watched Spike as he slid from the driver’s side and then gave her a look that said they should follow.


Buffy gave it her best confident walk as she strode into the warehouse with Spike following closely on her heels. She stopped as the vampires finally noticed her and came to a stand.

“Slayer.” One of them spoke the word with contempt at her and just as she thought she was going to have a fight on her hands, they turned and ran.

All she could do was try not to show how shocked she was by their actions--it had been a long time since a demon had upped and ran away from her.

“Well…that was sad.” Spike’s voice cut into her thoughts and she silently thanked him for saying the exact words she’d wanted to. “I’m embarrassed for our kind.”

She stared at the couch and the table with a pensive expression as Spike hurried past her, his enthusiasm showing in his voice as he toyed with the stake she’d given him.

“So should we chase after them, then?” He looked at her with eyes full of eagerness. “They couldn’t have gone far.”

Buffy just continued to look at the scene in front of her, something wasn’t right about these two vampires and Spike’s theory on them being the ones responsible for the train massacre.

“These vamps have been here for a while. They’ve nested.” She stated; her eyes still fixed on the torn up couch.

Spike turned his frown on her and then looked down at what could be called a domestic scene, with the couch and the table. “So, you’re saying a couple of poofters?”

Buffy shot an accusatory look Spike’s way and tried to ignore the expression of complete confusion he was wearing as he listened to her every word. “No, I’m saying they had nothing to do with last night’s murders.”

“How do you figure?” Spike continued to frown as she just stood there staring at him like he was up to something.

“Whoever did it only arrived in town last night.” Buffy tried her best to sound exasperated as she turned on her heel and headed toward the exit. “Looks like you’ve wasted my time.”

Before she could reach for the door handle, Spike had pulled it open and was staring at the floor in a resigned way. She froze and stared at the outside world for a moment before turning her attention on Spike.

“What are you doing?” She raised her brows as she watched a look of realisation dawn on his face--he’d just held the door open for the Slayer.

Spike looked at the door, afraid to let his eyes meet Buffy’s because he knew what kind of look she’d be giving him as payment for his actions.

“I…uh, it was…” He let go of the door handle and waved his hand dismissively. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Buffy stared at him, disbelief written clearly across her face. He wasn’t thinking? Is this what happened when he didn’t think around her--he held the door open in some kind of chivalrous way? She tried not to think about what other things he would wind up doing if he kept not thinking around her. Next, he’d be offering her his coat when it was cold on patrol, or giving her shelter when she was caught out in the rain.

She reminded herself she didn’t want any of that, no matter how nice the thought of it was.

“What is this?” She ground out instead and saw the anger flare up inside him, covering the hint of vulnerability she’d witnessed not a second before.

Spike pushed the door shut as the frustration built inside him. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say, knew before the words left her lips that it was going to be a repeat performance of the other night where she’d left him crushed outside the Bronze.

“Oh, don’t get your knickers twisted. I was…” He found Buffy moving towards him and met her eyes; there was a tiny flicker of curiosity in them.

“What is this?” She held his gaze as she tried to get the truth out of him. The way he looked at her almost caught her off guard. His expression was confusion, but behind the mask, she could see he knew exactly where she was going with her question. “The late night stakeout? The bogus suspects? The flask?”

Spike cocked his brow for a moment as she flung that last one in his face.

Buffy furrowed her brows as she looked deep into his eyes, unsure of whether she wanted a positive or negative answer to her next question. “Is this a date?”

“A d…? Please! A date?!” Spike guffawed but Buffy could see the hurt in his eyes as he chuckled while talking to her. “You are completely off your bird! I mean…”

She froze as she saw the switch in emotions in his eyes, hope seemed to rise up from nowhere and crush the hurt she had been witnessing.

Spike’s eyes narrowed tenderly as he saw the fascination and fear in her green orbs. “Do you want it to be?”

She quickly masked her true feelings with revulsion as she walked past him, the shock of having everything she’d been thinking about verified was too much to handle and she couldn’t put a voice to what she really felt in return.

“Oh, my god.” Buffy headed for the couch, needing some space to breathe and gather her thoughts as she let the realisation sink in.

Spike loved her.

She’d seen it in his eyes, shining there along with all the hope and fear.

Spike bit his lip and mentally berated himself for putting his last question out there when he should have kept it shut inside. The look on her face had been what had brought it to his lips. She’d seemed so disappointed by his dismissal of her observation that he’d felt sure she had wanted this to be a date after all.

Bugger.

It was all he could think as he watched her moving slowly across the room and now that he’d bollocksed everything up he decided to go the whole hog.

“Are you out of your mind?” Buffy turned to face him again, her tone angry as she tried to piece together the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm her.

Spike loved her.

“It’s not so unusual.” Came his reply and she couldn’t help noticing he sounded suddenly sure of himself and he was holding himself in a confident way.

And he loved her.

She could see it now that she was looking for it. Her denial of it flew out the window as she watched him slowly advancing on her, meandering sexily through the objects that littered the floor in a way that sung of how deadly he could be.

He purred at her. “Two people in the workplace…feelings develop.”

“No! No. Feelings do not develop. No feelings.” Buffy was quick to dismiss it, so quick and panicked that she knew he didn’t believe her.

He just continued sauntering toward her, his eyes locked with hers and his voice a silken purr that made her stomach heat through in under a second.

“You can’t deny it. There’s something between us.”

God, she didn’t want to deny it when he said it in that voice, that ‘come to me now’ voice that he’d mastered to perfection.

“Loathing. Disgust.” She countered even as she found herself dying to know what he was going to throw back at her.

“Heat…desire…” Spike almost grinned when he heard her heartbeat go off the scale. He knew her protest was for show, her body told him everything he needed to know about how she truly felt.

She acted fast, or as fast as she could when faced with wanting to do one thing while having to say another. She knew he could see through her denial, knew that she wasn’t fooling him when she spat the words at him.

“Please! Spike, you’re a vampire.”

“Angel was a vampire.” He countered perfectly and saw her falter for a split second before rising to the challenge again.

He was within reaching distance now and Buffy found herself grasping at straws as she struggled to stop herself grabbing hold of him and kissing him into oblivion.

“Angel was good.” She said with a frown.

“And I can be too. I’ve changed, Buffy.”

The look of resolve on his face made her heart skip a beat. He honestly believed he could be good, she could see it in his eyes as he looked down at her, and she didn’t know what to say in response. It was all there playing out in his beautiful blue orbs for her to see, the love, the vulnerability, the desire to be a better man.

She just stared into them for a few seconds before she realised she had no way of countering what he’d said, no way of dismissing his words.

Because she believed in him.

Closing the gap between them, she swallowed hard as his arms came to rest around her, capturing her but not restraining her. She leaned her head back, letting her eyes lock with his as she felt his body pressing up against hers.

“Spike, I…” Buffy started, her voice soft and gentle as her frown melted away.

A low cackling laugh from the shadows made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“…Think we have company.” Buffy finished as she saw Spike looking around the room in an attempt to locate the person responsible for the laughter.

He didn’t have to see her to know who it was. Now that he was focused on something other than Buffy, he could sense her presence in the room and it felt intoxicating.

“Drusilla.” Spike spoke in a low, serious tone as his eyes came to rest on her. She was slinking out of the dark recess of the warehouse and drifting slowly but surely towards them.

“I knew…I knew all along you loved the Slayer.” Drusilla looked disheartened as she moved across the room, her eyes never straying from her childe as he held on tightly to the Slayer.

Drusilla’s words echoed in Buffy’s head. Had she been the only one who hadn’t seen the fact the Spike loved her?

“Dru…” Spike started, his voice a clear warning to her as she advanced towards him.

“Why?” Drusilla whined. “Why couldn’t you let her go…like you let me go?”

Buffy broke free of Spike’s embrace as she tried to come to terms with everything that was happening. It was obvious now that Drusilla had been the one responsible for the massacre on the train and she felt stupid for not seeing it before. To kill that many people would have taken a strong vampire, an old vampire, and the only one of those in Sunnydale had been Spike. She should have known it would be someone like Drusilla, someone just as strong as Spike. And now the crazy vampire had come back for her ex-lover, only to find him with his arms full of Slayer.

The startling warmth she’d felt in Spike’s arms seemed to disappear in the blink of an eye and she suddenly felt cold.

Exposed.

Her gaze turned on Drusilla. The vampire was staring at her with contempt shining in her black eyes, and she got the feeling that she was more than willing to fight for her childe’s affections.

The question was, was Buffy willing to fight?

She just stood there, staring as Drusilla continued along her path, a path that was leading straight to herself as she contemplated whether she’d fight for the right to Spike.

Her eyes flickered to him where he stood beside her. He looked confused; she could see the worry in his eyes as he watched her and she could almost hear what he was thinking.

Would she fight?

Buffy didn’t know what she wanted to do. She didn’t want to run away that was for sure, but then she kept telling herself she didn’t want to fight for Spike either.

He was a vampire.

A no soul, irritating, snarky little vampire that seemed to draw pleasure from putting her in situations like this.

Situations where she didn’t have time to think, and had to allow instinct to rule her. She hated those. At times like this she didn’t get the chance to convince herself otherwise about her feelings, she just had to go with what her gut told her.

And it was telling her to fight.

As much as she hated what was happening, as much as she felt the need to revolt against it--she had to fight, to defend what was hers.

Buffy looked deep into his eyes and narrowed hers slightly in an attempt to show him what she was feeling and the decision she’d made.

His slight smile made her heart sing and suddenly her decision didn’t seem so frightening after all. He had always been hers, from the second she’d laid eyes on him outside the Bronze she’d known things would end up this way.

She was still staring into his eyes as she heard a croaking noise by her ear. Turning sharply, she found herself face to face with Drusilla and her eyes widened as she saw Spike’s hand wrapped firmly around the vampire’s neck.

“Now, now…pet.” Spike purred in a dangerous voice as he regarded his ex-lover.

Drusilla’s eyes slid to rest on him, a look of hurt surfacing in them just moments before she slipped into vampire guise and growled. Spike followed suit and puffed his chest up as he roared back at her, trying to show her that she no longer held any sway over him.

Buffy went to move away, but a strong arm around her waist yanked her up against its owner. She looked into Spike’s eyes as he cocked his head to one side and stared into hers.

“Now, love…who said you could go anywhere?” Spike sucked his cheeks into a smirk as he held her tight against him.

She swallowed hard and pressed her hands against his chest as she leaned away from him, her eyes wide with fear and a cold chill sweeping through her.

“Spike, I…” She blinked and tried to mask how his sudden change in tone had scared her.

“No…” Spike ground out, shaking his head as he gave her a hard look. “Had about enough of this twaddle.”

He was sick of playing love’s bitch, sick of letting these two women walk all over him. Maybe he’d let them fight it out, make someone choose him for a change rather than playing the good puppy and devoting himself blindly to them without a thought to the consequences.

He’d seen the look in Buffy’s eyes when he’d finally admitted how he felt about her, the revulsion that was hiding her true feelings and he wanted to see how she really felt.

Her whole demeanour had changed just seconds before Drusilla had made herself known. He’d seen the emotions surfacing, breaking free of their restraints as she started to tell him something.

He knew she’d believed him when he’d said he could be good, that he’d changed.

But he wanted more than her belief.

Wanted to know just how she felt about him.

Would she fight for him?

He released Drusilla’s throat at the same time as he released Buffy. Taking a step back, he slipped out of vampire guise and smiled as he saw Buffy’s attention was immediately with Drusilla. That was his girl, always ready to burst into action at a moments notice.

“Spike?” Buffy tried to get his attention even as hers remained with Drusilla. They were starting to circle each other now and Buffy was beginning to think that Spike was really going to go through with making her fight for him.

She looked down at her empty hands, and then back into Drusilla’s eyes.

“A weapon would be good.” Buffy glanced in Spike’s direction and saw him shake his head in the negative as he expertly twirled the stake he held.

“Use those kitty claws of yours, pet.” He started backing towards the door, giving them more space in which to circle each other. “Besides, you’re in a warehouse, you’re pretty resourceful…think you’ll do just grand.”

Buffy was growing rapidly sick of this whole day. Not only had she admitted to herself that she had feelings for Spike, but now she was getting into some catfight for him and she was sure he wasn’t going to intervene. It was kill or be killed, and as Spike would tell her, she had to ‘take her bloody pick’.

But would Spike really let her dust Drusilla? Or would he let Drusilla drain her dry?

The second thought turned her stomach and she shot another uneasy glance Spike’s way. He was leaning against the wall now, toying with stake while wearing a bored expression that said he was waiting for them to make with the fighting.

She huffed.

This was not of the good.

Having no other option present itself to her, Buffy launched herself fists first at Drusilla. The vampire clearly hadn’t anticipated her attack and Buffy’s fist connected solidly with her jaw.

Drusilla whined.

Spike almost grinned.

He kept his expression grim and stony as he watched them fight it out. Each move they made seemed to be gracefully countered by the other and he was starting to wonder whether they were fighting or dancing.

As Drusilla got a sound punch in and managed to scratch Buffy’s face with the claws on her other hand, the image of Drusilla killing the Slayer flashed into his mind and regret came on swift wings.

He’d instigated a match that only had one outcome and he wasn’t sure what he wanted it to be. Did he want his sire to win, to take him back to her with open arms like he’d hoped for all these months? Or did he want his little blonde firecracker to win, to prove that she felt something for him by disposing of the one person that could steal his affection away from her?

He felt a headache coming on and his gut seemed to twist in anxiety with each hit or kick that connected with Buffy. He’d done something irredeemably stupid, he realised that now.

Taking a step forward, he saw Buffy’s attention come to settle on him for a split second and that’s all it took for Drusilla to grab hold of her.

Buffy struggled as blind panic rose up inside her. Suddenly her arm was twisted painfully behind her back, held tight by Drusilla as she stood behind her and restricted her movements. It hurt like hell, but Buffy got the feeling it was going to hurt a lot more if she gave up the fight. She frantically kicked and jerked about, trying to make as sharp movements as possible so the vampire didn’t get the chance to sink her fangs into her.

A sensation like a cat scratch on her neck made her gasp and she tried to pull away from Drusilla so she couldn’t complete the bite. As she leaned forwards, she suddenly found herself free of restraint and she stumbled slightly before regaining her balance. Buffy panted hard as she turned slowly, her eyes widening in shock as she saw Spike standing where Drusilla had been not moments before, his eyes downcast and the stake still held at chest height.

“Bloody through playing.” Spike muttered as he stared down at the pile of ashes littering the floor.

Not knowing what to do, Buffy just stood stock-still hoping that an answer would present itself to her. She’d been on the brink of death, so close to it that she could almost taste it, and the next thing she knew she was free.

Spike had rescued her.

She watched a tear glide down his cheek as he continued to stare at the floor, his chest rising and falling slowly as he took deep calming breaths that had Buffy wondering if they really benefited him or whether it was purely psychological.

Spike had rescued her.

Her eyes widened in realisation.

Spike had dusted Drusilla.

He’d killed his sire, the woman whose bed he’d shared for a century and more, the woman he’d loved.

He’d killed her in order to rescue the woman who now held his heart in her hands.

Buffy didn’t know what to say. There was no way she could relate to how he was feeling without bringing up Angel and the time she’d sent him to hell, and somehow she knew that his name being mentioned wouldn’t be welcomed right now.

“Not…no one’s bitch…bloody through playing.” Spike mumbled as he struggled to keep hold of the fragile thread holding his emotions together and his vision became blurred with tears.

He’d killed her.

His salvation.

His sire.

He’d done the most taboo thing he could think of in the vampire world, and worse than that, he’d done it to save the Slayer. What tattered threads of respect he had in the demon world were now gone, drifted away along with his precious dark princess.

Buffy gasped as Spike dropped to his knees, a sob convulsing his body as the stake fell from his grasp and clattered away from him. He reached out for it in a manner so broken, so pleading, that Buffy almost picked it up and handed it to him, but she knew what he wanted to do with it.

And she damn well wasn’t going to let that happen.

Kicking the stake as far away from Spike as possible, she knelt beside him and placed her hands on his shoulders. She still wasn’t sure how to comfort him. After she’d sent Angel to hell, she’d been inconsolable and something told her that Spike would be feeling as torn up as she had.

Too scared to say anything, she let her fingers caress his upper arms gently, hoping that the motion would soothe him as he muttered things under his breath that she knew she didn’t want to hear.

Spike made another reach for the stake and Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around his chest.

“No…Spike…” Buffy pressed her cheek into his back as he tried to escape the confines of her arms. “Please.”

The note of desperation in her voice when she pleaded with him caused Spike to stop his attempt to get free. He settled back on his knees and stared down at the dust coating the floor in front of him.

“I’m nothing, Buffy…everything I had, it’s all gone now…she’s gone, my worlds gone. No one will take me back now…even without the sodding chip.”

The downtrodden way he sounded made Buffy’s heart ache for him. She’d seen the way the demon population of Sunnydale treated him and she couldn’t stand it. They had branded him a traitor and as soon as they got wind of him killing his sire, they were bound to send a party out to kill him in return.

“I’m a dead man…well…deader than I already was.” He tried to chuckle but it came out as a rasping sound, his throat hoarse from his tears.

“I won’t let them hurt you, you did this to protect me.” Buffy whispered as she continued to rest her cheek against his back. She was shaking inside and she knew he could probably feel how scared she was. This was new territory for her and everything was happening so fast that it was making her head spin.

Spike loved her.

She loved Spike.

Seeing him on the edge of killing himself again brought back the suicidal phase he’d gone through last year. Even then, the thought of losing him had cut deep, even when she covered it with harsh words she was crying out in pain inside. To see him so dejected now made her feel like her heart was bleeding, and the idea that she could so easily lose him made tears fill her eyes.

“I won’t let them hurt you.” Buffy whispered again.

Spike closed his eyes as he heard her sniffling. He could feel the warmth of her body against his back and took comfort from the way she was holding him, so tightly that if he’d been human she would have broken his ribs with ease. He sighed out through his nose as he felt her tremble; her hands were shaking where they were clasped around his front.

Slowly raising his hand up, he ghost caressed hers before building up the courage to touch her.

Buffy started slightly as his hand wrapped gently around hers. She was amazed by how much comfort such a tiny action offered her and wanted to offer it back to him.

Spike looked down as her hands broke apart and he frowned at the loss of them around him, before smiling as she interlocked her fingers with his. Letting his thumb caress hers softly, he turned slightly to look at her. She was watching him with wide green eyes, her lashes wet with tears and a shaky smile teasing her lips.

Before he could form a sentence in his head, she had leaned towards him, her eyes closing as she edged nearer to him until their lips finally met. His eyes flew wide for a split second before what was happening sunk in and he began to kiss her in return.

As his lips played against hers, Buffy wrapped her free hand around the back of his head and held him to her. She smiled against his mouth as his fingers threaded into her hair at the nape of her neck and he tugged her closer still.

The kiss felt strangely right, like it was what she’d been searching for this past year but she’d never found it. The feel of his arms holding her so possessively to him made her feel like she was finally home, and she’d been away too long. Memories of Willow’s spell came back to her and she couldn’t stop herself from deepening the kiss, wanting to recapture what she’d felt for Spike in that short time, because this whole year it had sat in the back of her mind, haunting her.

She’d subconsciously compared everyone she’d been out with to Spike, whenever Riley had kissed her--she’d thought of Spike’s lips.

Spike smiled as he pulled back and found her lips still moving, clearly wanting more. He took a moment to watch her as she slowly smiled dreamily and then fluttered her eyes open to meet his.

Buffy threaded her fingers back into his and stifled her desire to blush under the tender look she was receiving from him.

“Let’s get out of here.” She said quietly, slowly standing and pulling him up with her.

“Where to?” Spike inquired as he pulled her back up to him, so her body was flush against his.

Buffy could see the hint of worry in his eyes. He was wondering what happened now, both with her and the angry mob of demons that were going to be coming his way if they got word of what had happened tonight.

She took a deep breath and fixed her eyes on his, showing him how serious she was.

“I believe in you, Spike. When you say you can be a good man, I know in my heart that you can, and you are. I’ve seen how hard you’ve strived to change and I’ve seen the good things you’ve done. I’m not going to let anything happen to you…”

“Buffy, I…” Spike started but she pressed a lone finger to his lips.

“Shh…just work with me, fight alongside me…it feels good having you there, like it was how things were meant to be.”

Spike didn’t know what else to say, so he nodded. He wasn’t going to say no to her offer of working with her. He wanted more than anything to protect her and to be with her.

He frowned as she started leading him out of the warehouse.

“Where’re we going?” Spike queried.

“I won’t let them hurt you, I’m taking you to my house.” Buffy looked over her shoulder and smiled nervously, hoping he’d agree.

“Your house?” Spike stopped dead in his tracks.

Buffy tugged impatiently on his arm when he remained still. “If you think I’m gonna let you go back to your crypt where half of Sunnydale can come after you, after I’ve just fought to win your ass, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Spike raised his brows and then started slowly walking towards her.

“I’m taking you home.” Buffy said with resolve.

“You’re taking me home.” Spike said with a wide smile, more to himself than to her.

“Home.” Buffy caught the bug and smiled too. Looping her arm through his, she leaned her head against his shoulder as she led him out into the street and towards his Desoto.

She’d never thought she would bring Spike back to her house but it made her feel happier than she had in a long time.

It was really true.

Home is where the heart is.

~*~ End ~*~

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