Violins And Heartstrings - Chapter 11

Once settled into the living room, Buffy handed him a glass of lemonade and smiled. "Make yourself at home, I'll go order us some food."

Spike watched her disappear and sipped his drink as his eyes roamed the mantelpiece. It was crammed with pictures of all different sizes and shapes; smiling to himself, he walked over to it and tried to find a picture of her when she was younger. He passed by a photo of her mother and next to it he found a picture of himself with her at graduation. Spike picked it up and looked at it, he barely recognised the boy staring back at him and he couldn't believe how much Buffy had changed.

Taking another sip of his lemonade, Spike wondered what was taking Buffy so long. He was starting to feel increasingly awkward about just standing in her living room and he let his eyes roam the pictures again, they settled on the picture next to their graduation photo. As he picked it up, he smiled briefly before letting his brows wrinkle into a frown. At first, he'd thought it was Buffy as a child, honey blonde hair blowing softly in the breeze and a pretty garden behind her, but on closer inspection, he realised it couldn't be her--the date on the bottom of the photograph was only last year and this girl didn't have Buffy's green eyes. Maybe a niece?

"I ordered the food, didn't know what you wanted so I just got you the same as me." Buffy walked back into the room and over to him, he was staring at a picture and she leant over his shoulder. "What have you got…oh!"

"Not exactly my first reaction." Spike clenched his jaw slightly and continued to stare at the little girl, hoping she wasn't about to say what he feared she was going to say.

"I was going to tell you. Really, I was."

"So she's yours then. She looks like you, is she in Paris?"

"Yes." Buffy moved in front of him and looked up at his face, she could understand his anger about the situation and she knew it was only going to get worse. She silently cursed herself for not mentioning it earlier like she'd wanted to.

"With her father?" Spike looked sick as he stared into Buffy's eyes, it tore into her and she shook her head.

"No." Buffy's voice trembled as she tried to keep calm under his scrutiny.

Spike felt his stomach tighten up, he'd wanted to give the girl in front of him the world, wanted to be the man she came home to at night, wanted to be the only man for her and now she was announcing she already had a life without him. He didn't want to hear any more.

"I have to leave. I shouldn't be here." He grabbed his coat off the back of the chair and dropped the picture of the little girl onto the couch.

"Wait. Spike." Buffy grabbed his arm and spun him around to face her, grasping his arm tight until her fingers dug in. "The fathers here."

"Here? I really have to leave then." He tried to get his arm free from her but she tightened her grip.

"If you leave, then I don't know what I'll do. You think it's been easy, all these years without you? Seeing her everyday and knowing that I couldn't find you. I tried so hard to find you but my mom said you'd disappeared and your mother had gone. I couldn't find you, I wanted to tell you, really I did. I'd never keep her from you…never, Spike." Buffy's eyes filled with tears as she tried to explain.

"What are you saying?" Spike's heart was stuck in his throat somewhere and was playing out a sickeningly fast rhythm. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? Her voice rang in his ears. There's more at stake now.

Buffy grabbed the picture and held it up to him.

"Take a closer look, she'll be six this year." She said quietly.

Spike stared at the picture and straight into the girls shining blue eyes. His stomach lurched.

"You're saying she's…" He searched Buffy's eyes and watched as her tears threatened to spill over onto her cheeks.

"Yours." She said shakily and watched his face closely.

Spike breathed unevenly as the reality of the situation hit him with the force of a tidal wave. He felt his knees turn to jelly and swallowed noisily as he collapsed onto the arm of the couch. He sat there and stared blankly at the picture, his whole body trembling with shock.

After a few minutes Buffy grew concerned--she hadn't expected this kind of reaction.

"Spike?" Buffy bent over to try and catch his eye, his normally bright eyes looked dull and lifeless. "Say something, swear, shout, cry, anything other than this silence--it's killing me."

She watched him draw another long shaky breath, his eyes still focused on the photograph of their little girl.

"Mine?" Spike blinked and Buffy felt marginally better.

"If you want her to be."

Spike's brain felt like it was trying to reboot, muddled thoughts collided with each other as the world came crashing back down around his ears--only everything seemed to be different now.

"What do you mean?" Spike raised his head and looked into her eyes.

"I'm not expecting anything from you, Spike. I just thought that you had a right to know. I always promised myself that no matter what happened when I found you, I would tell you." Buffy kept her voice low and hoped it would soothe him.

"But if I want to?"

She looked at him, his expression was vacant and boyish, and Buffy felt like pulling him into her arms and holding him to her chest.

"If, after you've learnt more about her and thought about what it would mean to be a father, you wanted to be her daddy, then you would be."

"After I've thought." Spike repeated to himself. He didn't know if he could think, his whole world had just been turned on its head and now he had to think.

"Like I said, if you decide you don't want to, then that's fine. But please…" Buffy's voice grew desperate and Spike looked up at her. "Don't try and take her away from me."

Spike watched a tear roll down her cheek and it felt like he'd just been stabbed through the heart with her words. He touched her hand lightly.

"Whatever happens, I wouldn't do that to you, Buffy." He gave her a small smile and hoped it would reassure her. "Please, don't think that I would."

Buffy looked at him and nodded in understanding as she wiped her tears on the back of her hand.

Spike stared at the picture again, the world seemed strangely blank and fuzzy whenever he looked at the photo of his daughter--it was like he couldn't quite get the idea into his head that this was his little girl. Buffy knelt down in front of him and watched him; she couldn't help noticing that when he looked at the picture in his hand his expression became vacant.

"You okay? I was expecting shouting, or tears, or something. You seem oddly…calm."

Spike stared at the picture still and considered her words. His heart was racing, his mouth was dry, his palms were sweating and his knees felt like they weren't going to be letting him walk for a long time.

"I feel anything but calm. I think it's shock, is it shock when the world seems strangely hollow?" He raised his head and stared into her eyes, searching out an answer.

Buffy shifted a little closer to him as her concern for him grew. "I think so. Aren't you angry at me?"

"No…a little maybe. Not because of her, you said you tried to find me, just because I found out this way…I feel numb, like there's a noise in my head drowning out everything else."

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you tonight, I wanted to sit you down and talk, I didn't want you to find out like this."

Spike reached out and touched her cheek as a tear slipped onto it. He realised this must have been eating her up inside all day and it was obviously what she'd wanted to tell him.

"Don't fret, love. My reaction would have been the same, just the blow would have been a little softer."

Buffy was thankful that he seemed to be coming around a little, getting him to talk to her was probably the best move she could make, the more he talked the more relaxed he seemed.

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